I can breathe- I think

Sometimes...

 

It seems as if the air has been sucked out of me

Not always a "bad" thing!

Just sometimes that realization of motherhood

 

Like...

 

~When your oldest son is getting married

and you realize that you are no longer the only "woman" in his life

 

~When you go with your daughter to try on bridesmaid dresses

and all of the sudden it hits you that WAY too soon, SHE will be the one looking for a wedding dress!

 

~When you go to your son's room and look at the mess

and you realize that you should have complained less in the previous years because now, there will be no mess from him in your home anymore and it is something you knew would happen but one time it seemed so far away and you NEVER dreamed you would miss it but you already do

 

~When you know that family plans may not always include ALL of your children anymore

 

~When you realize that once the first one leaves home, it's just the beginning of the next one, and the next one and so on...

 

~When you pick up your "baby" and you realize she is really not a baby anymore

 

~When you think of your age and remember when your parents were that age you thought they were SOOOOO old!

 

~When you realize that your years as a grandma are possibly closer than you ever thought possible!

 

 

I am going through a new phase in my life.  Sometimes I get confused because I have SO many little ones to still focus on and the realization what is about to take place in my life in about a month, hits me like a ton of bricks.  No time to really just sit and think about how I am going to have to let go of my oldest boy, it has just crept up on me!  I can give him advice, but what he does with it now, is up to him.  In some ways there is freedom in that and other ways, I want to tell him what to do knowing that I still have more years on him!  If I could just sit with him on the couch and stroke his hair and chat.

 

Then I am reminded that wherever this journey of motherhood has ever lead me, God's grace has ALWAYS seen me through. 

 

Tears?

Yes!

Many!!!

 

However, I know that God has ALWAYS kept me and He too will keep my son and in this new territory of his journey! 

 

Knowing that, I can rest knowing although this is uncharted territory for me, God has already gone before me! 

 

Then I take a deep breath and the air fills my lungs and realize,

 

I can breath again...

 

stronger and better than ever!

 

 

 



                                                                                                                                                               

The WORST/BEST day ~ Part 1

The worst/best day of my entire life happened about 3 weeks ago.  We were all inside starting our day.  It was after bible time and I was helping all the "big" kids get their school assignments in order as I always do.  My husband was in the shower getting ready to go to work and things seemed to be going pretty well.  My 13 year old walks in and says, "Mom, there is a lady outside that is REALLY mad because A---- (our 3 year old) was out on the curb right by the street. She wants to talk to you."  About 3 minutes before that, my 3 yr old was sitting on my lap.  I assumed he got up to get a drink, I did not dream he went outside and I especially did not know he would go out of our fenced in yard!  However, he is 3 and I would think most people would know that it is not uncommon for a 3 year old to disappear within seconds! 

Yes, he is sweet but he is fast!

So I got up and went outside and she was gone!  I continued our day of schooling and thought nothing else about it.  About 2 hours later, a policeman shows up at our door stating that a lady called and said there was a little boy at this residence wandering around by the street.  My husband told him that everything was ok, and we were aware of it and will keep him inside.  I once again went on with my daily activies and my husband went to work.  After I put the little ones down for nap, I left my 17, 15, and 13 year old daughters to babysit while I took the 5 older boys bowling.  I recieved a call from my 15 year old about a half an hour into bowling, that DHS had showed up asking all kinds of questions.  The BIGGEST nightmare a mother, and especially a homeschooling mother can have!  WAY to many horror stories have been read and heard of things happening with court cases and children taken from the home because of neglect.  I called my husband and told the boys to get their shoes on because we needed to leave right away!  I was shaking and wondering what to do. 

There was a garage sale about 3 houses down from us and there were children's items in the yard and I KNOW my little guy had his eye on them and decided to check them out which lead to him wandering out of our yard.  A lady who happened to be leaving the sale, decided to call the police unstead of just walking him up to the house and letting me know.  Gone are the days when people want to help others.  It seems everyone is out to get someone.  Now, don't get me wrong, I do not EVER think it is okay for people to mistreat children and if they are playing in the street, it is life and death matter so it needs to be taken seriously but to call the police and then leave before you even can talk to the mother!  That seemed a touch extreme to me! 

Well, my husband informed me that he talked to our lawyer and he told us what to do and that they would be coming Saturday to talk to us (my husband and I) and see our little boy.  I was mortified!  I could not believe this was happening!  Of course the worst ran through my mind!  What if they took our kids away?!  What kinds of questions would they ask?  Would they question our homeschooling and then another can of worms would be opened?  I had never felt so alone!  I really felt like I was living someone else's life!  I cried out to God asking Him to take this all away!  Why was this happening?  I knew God would act on our behalf but how bad were things going to get?!  What was He trying to show me in this?  I felt violated, intruded on and it hurt!  I love my children as most mother's do...until it hurts!  I needed something to cling to!  Oh am I soooo thankful I have my heavenly Father!  I turned to Him first and foremost and then I called a dear sweet friend of mine.  I cleaned the house better than I had ever cleaned before just in case they would come in.  My house is usually clean.  As clean as it can be with 14 people living under one roof anyway!  But this was an intense, deep cleaning experience!  We had until 9 AM the next morning to get it all done.  The thought of losing my children overtook me and I could hardly breathe!  I felt as if someone was sitting on my chest all day long.  I could hardly breathe or function...was my life changing forever because of this lady? 

Part 2 coming/ the BEST is yet to come!

I am not but I know the 'I AM'

I can tell you that this definition describes my life lately:

re·fine :

1. remove impurities: to produce a purer form of something by removing the impurities from it, or become pure through such a process
2. make something more effective: to improve something through small changes that make it more effective or more subtle
3. make or become more elegant: to make somebody or something more cultured or elegant by eliminating less acceptable habits and tastes, or become more cultured in this way

I really don't like refining!  It is sometimes painful, agonizing, exhausting and just plain unenjoyable! I have had it happen many times in my life and it is never appealing until...

I realize how much I needed it and how much God has shown me in the process.  God has used my children, husband and life circumstances to refine me.  Sometimes it has been one of those at a time, other times it seems ALL of them are being used at once!  It has been the latter!  For weeks, God has been getting me to a place of more surrender and brokeness!  More job rejections for my sweet hubby, more questions than answers so it would appear!  However, through the small changes he as done in me (look at #2 up above), I think I have become more effective in what He is trying to accomplish in my life! 

I have gotten weary!  I should not be surprised that my flesh has acted as flesh!  But I do have a greater hope!  It is in Jesus and the cross!  He is my high priest!  Just as the people went to the high priest with all of their "issues", in God's eyes, they were made whole because of who the high priest was!  That is how it is with Jesus!  I have been made whole because of who HE is!  I am so thankful for that!  The refining and His grace has taught me to look more and more to Him knowing He does have all I need!  So my questions are answered in what Moses found...He is the 'I AM'!  That is what He is for us to! 

For that I am so thankful!  I can rest knowing His refining is only drawing me to Him!  The exhaustion of motherhood, the demands of daily life, and the good and bad, are ALL taken care of by 'I AM'!  I am not but 'I AM' is!  I love that! 

Matthew 11:28
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

No more trying to achieve MY plan or searching for a way to get rid of the burdens but total rest in knowing that He has it all!

Exodus 3:14
And God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM.” And He said, “Thus you shall say to the children of Israel, ‘I AM has sent me to you.’”

Let Him be the 'I AM' in your life!  To all your questions, the anwer is HIM, the 'I AM'!

Be still

Love others who hurt you
Bring truth to those who are untrue
Show the love you have for God and bring it to others
There is so much darkness around
Don't become dim
Look to truth and know that God's heart is light
Other's NEED to know how to recieve that light!
Do not lean on your OWN understanding
Follow God's way not your feelings
Your feelings can decieve you

Walk by faith and NOT by sight

When everything is caving in around you,
Remember...

Be still and know that HE is GOD!

The white flag of surrender

Motherhood has not been easy lately!

(In fact, this picture was taken right in the middle of all the chaos!)

I have gone through some "issues" that have brought me to my knees A LOT!

It seems the questions have no anwers and there are SO many of them!

My reactions have been quick and my tongue has not been bitten much!

(I am realizing it would be better to feel the physical pain of that than dealing with the regret of harsh answers!)

I have had these times before but this time it has had a twist I can't explain

I feel like I should beable to hold everything together

Now realizing I just can't!

The other day,

I had it!

  I looked at my boys and said,

"You win! I wave my white flag!  I surrender!  I have nothing left!" 

They looked at me in confusion and a blank look but continued on as if nothing happened!

 HA! Surprise, surprise!

Suddenly, I heard that sweet voice from my heavenly Father,

"Why don't you surrender that white flag to ME!  You were not meant to carry it anyway!"

Oh yeah!  I forgot that! 

 I began to see I was searching the file cabinet of MY wisdom looking for the anwers! 

He was reminding me that it just does not work that way! 

HE is the way, the truth and the life! 

That is why I was at the end so to speak!

I was thinking of MY way, MY truth and it was sucking the life right out of me!

So I gave Him the flag, got on my knees and let Him do the rest!

Are there still questions?  Yep!

However, I have found rest...

A place where I can be still and know that He is God!

Someday, my 2nd greatest desire is that my children rise up and call me blessed!

(That is not from a motive of selfishness but born out of desire to know that my children must see Christ in me!)

The first desire is that they are sold out for Christ daily and will enter the pearly gates!  But I do think they coincide!

It is not possible if I am doing it on my own but God's grace and love, will carry me through these years of MANY messes, attitudes, ungratefulness, meals, running errands, and repeated training times that I wonder if anything is really getting through!

As a mother, there is so much enduring! 

But I can choose to look at it as drudgery OR look at it as an honor that I have been called to be Jesus hands and feet at this time in their lives. 

To help form their hearts in love and mold their hearts to seek and search for Christ!

How is that done? 

Not sure totally!

I do know, that giving up that white flag of surrender to Him, I am guaranteed He has the answer!

Do you need to wave your flag or are you carrying it all yourself?

Let it go!  He will amaze you!

Puppy thanks

After a very trying week last week, this week has been trying also but in a different way.  In the past, I should know by now, that whenever I have had been bombarded and overwhelmed, there is something over the horizon God is preparing me for.

 Today, I woke up feeling heavy and just plain burdened.  For my children, my husband, and those around me who have no hope.  I have also been dealing with guilt from not being the mom my children have needed me to be.  Do they struggle because I have not effectively been who I needed to be?  Sometimes it really gets to me!  I know all about the stuff that we are not perfect and God steps in the gap and our children learn to know God and trust Him no matter what we do.  Yes, I believe ALL of that!  I will NEVER be perfect and God's grace will see me through but I also know there are times when I have just been lazy and disobedient and those are the times that get to me.  I lay in bed at night praying for God's hand to be upon them and show them how much I love them and Him!

Later in the day, I had an opportunity that came up to be Jesus hands and feet.  It came out of nowhere!  We are now living in a neighborhood that is so lost!  We have had the blessing of witnessing to others and showing God's love by just accepting people for who they are.  The people directly next door to us, have a very sad situation and they have been on our hearts.  We have brought them meals, and just talked with them.  They have a little deaf girl and my 13 year old is learning sign language so that has been HUGE for both of them!  (The mom does not know any sign language so it has been good for her also.)  A couple days ago, the grandparents who lived there, just moved out one night.  It seemed peculiar but we let it go.  For days they have not been around, until today.  I was excited to see her and said hello and asked her how things were going.  "Not well!" she said.  She continued to share her heart and circumstances with me.  It was a very sad story!  My heart broke.  I asked her if I could pray with her and she said, "Please, I need somebody to!"  I took her hand with me on one side of the fence and her the other, and prayed with her.  I looked up and the tears were streaming down her face.  It was a moment I will not forget.  This family has needs and I was so humbled to know that God placed me, today, to care for somebody and their soul!  What a privilege and joy!

I sit in my comfortable home, with food, blankets and love!  I have heard it for years, but I am in awe of how many people around me are hurting and crying out to be loved!  It is real!  God desires to use His own to be His hands and His feet.  How far am I willing to go?  Will I always respond in obedience or will I take the lazy way out and ignore those around me because it costs me to much?  Will I focus on my needs or will I give up everything so other's can see the love of Christ knowing that God will take care of me? 

I can't just let it go anymore!  I don't want to look away anymore and not do anything making excuses and hoping somebody else will step in.  I know what it is like to be on the "need" side of things and maybe this is the way God is allowing me to give back what He so freely and gracefully gave us!  What ever it is, I'm in!  Please look around you and ask God to share the needs of other's with you.  There are so many hurting people!  My hope, no matter how bad things get, is in Jesus!  There are some who have NO hope, so they think!  I want to show them who their hope is!

Just for a fun end of the story...later in the day, after helping our neighbors, they came over and offered us a token of their thanks.  An adorable...Puppy!

  No, I don't want one!  We just got rid of one and trying to get rid of another dog.  How do you say "no"?  They have no money but they thanked us with something they could make money from!!  The look in her eyes was so intense and she said, "My husband wants to thank you for all you have done for us so he wants to give you our last puppy for free!"  I respectfully told her I would have to ask my husband but we probably would not be able to keep him!  I felt like a heel!  I think I will let my husband handle this one! :)

To be continued... 

Our Standard

A few days ago while on the treadmill (I pray lots when I am on it), God asked me a question..."Heather, where do you receive your standard for your family?"  I began to think about it for a time and was really surprised and disappointed with my answer. 

Having a large family puts a lot of pressure and a mom!  I have watched the Dugger's, we know many other families who have many children and I always come up with the same feeling..."What am I doing wrong?!  Everyone else has it all together!"  Then the comments I receive such as:

You are a super mom! 
How do you do it?
You are AMAZING!
Your kids are so well behaved!
Do you ever lose it?  It sure doesn't look like it!
You look so normal!  (Still wonder what that means!)

With all of that going on, it makes me really crazy sometimes!  Because guess what?  I am NOT  a "super" mom, I am NOT amazing most days, my kids have meltdowns, bad attitudes, fight and talk back, I DO lose it and I guess maybe I look "normal" (still not totally sure about that one) but sometimes I don't feel like I am!  With all of that being said, Christ is completing Himself in me day after day and through His grace, I am doing what He has called me to do,

 HOWEVER...

I get sucked in to trying to be someone I am not sometimes and trying to imitate other's because I THINK that is what my standard should be!  Self-imposed misery, guilt, desperation, and inadequacy is what that brings!  Yes, we have a big family but why do I think we should all sing, play instruments, eat only organic foods, wear skirts, and make our own bread?  Now, those things are great but if that is not what God has for our family right now, that's okay too! 

My answer to the above question was, my standard was being set by what I perceive other's have done with their large families.  I was not looking to God for what HIS standard it for us. 

Our family LOVES sports and we LOVE to meet neighbors and cook meals for them, and my girls and I also love to serve in our women's ministry at our church.  So my search for what "gifts" God has given our family is finally surfacing and I am asking GOD what we can do for Him!  My husband has been unemployed for 19 months now and for many months, it was a battle.  Questions are now starting to be answered.  We feel we are going the direction we have longed for but did not know how to get there.  Dad is at home with the boys most of time, while going out and doing "work" with the boys to provide income.  The girls and I are sewing (well, I AM doing that!),  baking and selling Tupperware to sell at our town's summer flea market.  My oldest daughter plays the violin, my middle daughter is playing the guitar, the younger daughter plays the piano and the baby daughter, is just plain cute!  We are starting to sing together and not sure yet how God will use that but it does not matter right now!  We are doing it for God and that is what matters!! 

In this society, other's lives look appealing and can make us feel inferior or maybe even make us strive for something that is not Godly for us!  (Even though it may be Godly for someone else!)   You can get really weary striving for something that is not meant to be!  I am learning to look to God for His standard for our family.  Writing down all of the special things that make my children who they are and encouraging those things in them so that God can do what He desires through them.

As for me?  I have to look to my husband and God and His word for what His standard is for us.  I don't have to live up to what other's think and try to please them.  I only need to have eyes for my heavenly Father and ask for HIS direction.  There is SO much peace in not striving anymore to be somebody we are not!  I am a mother of 12 children but I struggle just as much as a mom with 1 or 2 children!  I don't have it all together and I am constant prayer day in and day out to fight my fleshly battles!  God is so faithful and I am so blessed but please don't put us mother's of large families on a pedestal! (Maybe that will help you realize we are just like you!)  We are no different than anyone else trying to seek God and live for Him!  We have lots to love and lots to endure but so do other people!  God gives us much grace and teaches us as we go just as He did in bible times and as He does now in the 21st century!!

What is your standard of who you and your family are?  Do you compare with other's or do you look to the One who created you and your family?  Don't let the enemy steal the blessing God has for you by wasting your time striving for something He does not intend for you!  Look to Him and will show you! 

Hope, Peace and somewhere in between

When all resources are finally exhausted, you begin to realize that your life IS in God's hands!

Totally, fully, and 150%!

No more striving

No more searching

No more looking

No more wondering

No more looking to YOUR idea's

They don't work anyway!

For a time,

(LOT'S longer than I care to admit)...

My idea's were first and foremost!

The scary thing was, I THOUGHT I was just "waiting on God"

And yet, I kept dreaming of MY way and how I thought things should work!

So really was I "waiting" on Him or "waiting" for Him to do things MY way?

The money I thought we needed to make it

The job I thought my husband needed

The life I thought we deserved and how "surely" God would give us nothing less than that!

We have been obedient after all!

Then...

I began to see after the final surrender He was longing for me to get to

I realized that by HIS grace, He did not let me stumble!

He kept me from the things I THOUGHT I needed

Now...

 I am finally at a place of Peace

It did not come easy!

It was...

long

painful

lonely

agonizing

emotional

convicting

Then there came Hope!

Now I realize I cannot search for anything but the One who has it ALL in His hands!

My...

husband

children

home

income

LIFE

It is ALL His and I know that I know that I know

He has plans to prosper us and to give us a hope and a future!

That is where my Hope is and how I have found the

Peace that passes ALLLLL understanding!

I am His and He is mine!

That is Amazing!

Don't try anymore to do it on your own!

It won't work!

His plan is best

Rest in that and find your hope in the cross

It is ALL you need

Update~

It's been awhile!  Not really sure why...I guess maybe just time to gather thoughts.  Maybe a little bit of just plain tired of life at times and no real desire to write about it.  A pity party of sorts I suppose.  That sounds terrible!  I really am not the kind that tires of life!  I can always find the rose in the middle of the thorns...HOWEVER this has been a VERY thorny time and that rose has been a touch harder to find at times.  The great thing is, that even though I got scraped a few times and maybe even had my heart bleed at times from the thorns, I have found MANY roses through this journey.  Not just one, but many!  Sometimes you have to experience the thorns to appreciate the roses that much more.

We have had more job rejections (3 to be exact!).  After 3 interviews, my dear husband thought he had the job!  The rejection came last week.  After 18 months of being unemployed sometimes, I don't know how much more he can take.  A man is supposed to provide, and God has given them that desire.  What is the first question asked to a man?  "What do you do for a living?"  That is how they are measured...on this earth anyway.  We are learning more and more, that our worth is NOT in our circumstances or the world's eyes, it is in Christ's eyes.  In order to see what that worth is, we have to go to the cross!  It has been an eye opener!  The cross is the ONLY place we can see our true worth!  The one who died because he loved us so very much!  When we try to find it in other ways, exercise, the food we eat, our spouse, our children, our church, those around us, etc...we will come up short!  And VERY disappointed!  Man will always let us down at some point, but God never will!  Our continued journey to find our worth through Christ's eyes continues.  No job, but that's okay...our hope is in Jesus, not a job!  He has proven Himself over and over and we will not be dismayed!  Our journey has made us stronger and brought us closer to the One who supplies our every need.  I am so thankful!

My oldest left the nest yesterday.  A hard day for me.  He is not going too far but everything from here on out changes.  No more can I say, "Yep, they all live with me under the same roof!"  No more bringing babies home while he is at home.  Will he ever know the young ones?  Not in the same way!  That breaks my heart!  That has been a difficult thing for me to swallow!  I knew the day was coming but I don't think I could ever be prepared emotionally.  He called lots yesterday and today he is lonely.  He loves his siblings and is not used to quiet.  I tried to tell him to come home but then...I realized it is best for him to stay.  It is a new normal for both of us.  One I don't like but yet this is the time I raised him for.  To go make a life for himself.  Out of my hands and into God's heart.  To find out HIS true identity!  Hoping he will continue to find it in Christ, not the world.  My heart aches but I know this is the beginning of a new chapter for all of us.  Yes, through the thorns, I WILL find a rose!

We are loving our home.  It has always felt like home.  We have no clue how long we will be here but we are so thankful everyday for a place of our own directly from God's heart!  Make sure you appreciate where you lay your head every night!  It is a blessing to have a place to call home!  You realize that, when you fear losing it all!  I now understand, it truly is family that makes a home, not just 4 walls!  We are "neighboring" and we are spreading the love of Jesus with this lost world!  It is all around us!  Don't forget that!  People are hurting and need to hear of Him!  They just need love and to feel love.  When you do it, people will reciprocate it!  Try it!  It will amaze you.  Bring a meal, say "hello", just smile!  People are wanting to feel the love of Christ and He wants to use you to do it!  In the thorns of this move, we have found that rose!  He is using us to reach out to others.  I am so honored that He choose us to do it here, where we are, in this moment!

Well, the last rose I will share, is this:

We have not had our family picture taken for years!  (You try getting 8 boys and 3 teenage girls ready!)  A wonderful person, offered to do them at no cost to us, for a Christmas gift.  We were so excited!  And it went SO well!  (Well, the 3 teenage girl things and keeping 8 boys clean, was still a challenge), but we survived! 

The outcome was great!

Remember, yes...there will be thorns, but always know that there are roses too!  Just keep searching and don't give up! 

Trials

Trials can...

• Destroy us
• weaken us
• leave us desperate and alone
• leave us feeling sorry for ourselves
• seclude us
• depress us

OR

Trials can...

• refine us
• strengthen us
• break us of our selfishness
• help us look to others
• make us able to seek those to support us
• lift us up to the only who has the strength to carry us

It is not fun to go through trials.  (We have had our share lately!)  It is what we do with our trials that leads to what the outcome will be.  We can sit and pout and complain to God (believe me, I have done that!) or we can continually remind ourselves what the bible says and know that it IS truth! 

When we are truly desperate, we hopefully will learn what God is trying to teach us...we CANNOT do ANYTHING without Him!  When we give all of our brokenness to Him and surrender it and lay it at His feet, He can then pick up the pieces and do what He desires.  I did this but it was after MUCH kicking and screaming!  I would like to say that I have taken everything in stride and just watched with a trusting heart, everything unfold.  Not so!  I had some pity parties and times of just plain UGLY moments of flesh!  I have reacted in ways to my children and husband that I am not proud of!  I had to come to a place that I knew my own idea's were NOT working!  I finally came to the point that all of my resources were totally gone!  I had no more answers and I was weary of doing it on my own.  I have always desired to be a living sacrifice and I really began praying that months ago.  Little did I know that the path to that would mean giving it ALL up to Him!  I thought I was okay with that! But little by little, God began to show me of my pride and selfishness and weed out the things that were getting in the way of a true living-sacrifice to Him.  Painful, yes!  However, I am free now!  Brokenness and surrender led me to a place of humility and exposure.  I can say that there is NOT one thing in my life that I care if it is exposed!  To God or to anyone!  I have nothing  more to hide, nothing to defend, nothing to do but give my life to Him.  He has taken it all!  Does that mean I am perfect and the refining process won't continue?  Absolutely not!  But I am determined through Christ, that I will be broken before Him and continue to see His face and heart. 

Christ died for us!  He took ALL of our sin and brokenness and hung it on the cross!  It is not for us to carry!  He never intends for us to.  It is our choice what we do with the trials that surround us.  Allow Him to carry it or try to carry it ourselves.  I have done both!  I give you my word, it is best to give it to Him to carry!  Try it, you won't be let down!  Rest in Him and He will carry you!

Psalm 73:28

But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, That I may declare all Your works.

Philippians 1:6

being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;



Have you ever?

Been SO overwhelmed with so many different emotions that you just get in your car and drive?

Alone...

Not even a cell phone to demand your time

No voices demanding your attention when really all you need is to listen...

listen to that one voice...

Sometimes I wonder where that voice is

All my frustration, sadness, desperateness, failures and fears come to the surface and I feel surrounded by confusion

It is in those times that I remember He is there but I need to call on Him

The peace comes and I remember I am to give it ALL to Him

Yes, I did drive...
alone...

I called on Him

Talked to Him

Cried out to Him

It worked

I am learning

Not easy for me to take the time to be alone

Sometimes I just need to remember to be still so I can listen

Do you?

Where have I...

...been, you ask?

Well...you would probably not believe all of it if I told you!  And I am sure I don't have the room and you don't have the time!  But I will clue you in on a few things...

• As of yesterday, we had 1 day to pack and move out
• Today, our house sold at auction to the bank
• We have about 2 weeks to get out!  (Better than 24 hours!)
• A DEAR lady has volunteered her empty home to our family to live in, free of rent as long as we need it! 
• That is AMAZING! 
• We have LOTS of work to do but my kids have GREAT attitudes!
• I went through a terrible loss but I am recovering with peace
• God has provided in BEAUTIFUL, UNEXPECTED ways!
• We all had the stomach flu that strung out over a span of 2 weeks
• Yes, it was as bad as it sounds! 
• We survived!  (I still am wanting a shirt to wear that reads, " I survived being a mom of 12 with the flu!")
• My husband had an interview
• We have not heard back yet
• We are still praying for a particular blessing that we feel God has for us
• Not sure of the timing, but we know God knows what is best for us
• I have never been through as much as I have been through in the past 2 months
• God has never felt closer!
• His grace is ever-present and my faith has become SO great!
• That is only through Him because He has carried us
• My husband has been a pillar and I am so totally in love with him even more
• All of this is worth it to show God how much I love Him and that I trust Him
• He can be trusted and His way IS best even if we don't understand it
• I have had moments of kicking and screaming quite often
• I finally am "still"
• It's better that way
• Our lives will be changing even more, but with His hand, we will be more than okay!

Thank you for your continued prayers!  I cannot tell you how they have carried me through!  What we have been through, has forever changed me.  I will be Jesus hands and feet and not depend that others are doing it!  I will get my hands "dirty" and dig deep to make sure that I am used by Him to love others in the way that He has shown us HIS love and provision!

I will be continuing the story, but time may be far and few between until we get moved.  Hang in there with your hands folded in prayer!  I am truly humbled!

Blessings abound

Blessings are abundant in our family right now!  One after the other, day after day, for some reason God has been pouring out His favor on us!  Believe it or not, it is not always an easy road!  It takes lots of humbleness at times, to be put in front of others as needy.  It was never intentional to let everyone know of our "troubles".  It just became apparent to others, after conversations and prayer.   The loving hearts of other's, have been pouring out their love on us!

 So...here we are with God and TOTALLY exposed of all of our issues,  God has used people to bless us and that has moved our hearts.  We have NEVER asked for anything!  God has amazingly placed us on other's hearts and because of their obedience, we have seen God move in ways that we could never have imagined!  We don't have any final details of our life and where it will be going for now, however, on the other hand, we do know that our lives are going in HIS direction!  No place to live as of yet, but we know God does see it.   Most of the time in life, we don't see which way things are going to go and we can try to do things our way.  Believe me, we have I have tried to figure out some plans along the way!  I am thankful for slammed door moments!  :)  I am asking for the 'wide open' door moments now, but I know that those will come when He is ready to show them to us!

 If you are going down a road of unanswered questions or a waiting time, know that I am there with you!  It is NOT an easy road!  We are in a society of "FAST" everything!  Food, internet, money, material things, and so on and so on!  Be thankful God is NOT in a hurry!  It takes time for artists to master their masterpieces!  And we are HIS masterpiece!  Hang in there!  Don't give up!  I am not and I will not give up!  Please don't either!  Wait on Him!  As I have heard and seen, God IS for us!  I will be telling of all the things He has done and other's will believe because of what He has done!  For that, I am sure of!

As Christmas draws closer in the next few days, remember that Christ was born to set us free!  That is why the celebration of His birth is so important!  We are to look at the manger and then at the cross!  (Both were made of wood!)  He came to this earth as a humble baby and died the most humble death imaginable!   Be reminded that with all the things that are going to be happening in the coming days, that Jesus came to earth for you!  Are you ready for Christmas?  You don't have to have all your presents bought and everything ready, but make sure that you do know in your heart day in and day out, that you have made your heart, Christ's home!

 

Courageous Faith

Last week, my daughter and I spoke and the title to our talk was "Courageous Faith".  I would like to share a little bit what our talk was about. 

 As we prepared for the night, it kept coming back to me how it is ALWAYS courageous to have faith!  It is not easy to be "courageous" but essential if you are going to believe in something that you have no apparent proof of right from the get go! 

Such was our Journey to Africa!  My daughter and I had similar experiences with "Courageous Faith" just different circumstances surrounded us. The definition of courageous is:  quality of being brave: the ability to face danger, difficulty, uncertainty, or pain without being overcome by fear or being deflected from a chosen course of action (Bing dictionary).

 The definition of faith is:  belief or trust: belief in, devotion to, or trust in somebody or something, especially without logical proof  (Bing Dictionary). 

 No doubt, we were in need of both of those!  For me, sending my daughter a world away at the age of 16, and for her, going a world away!  Before that, really never being apart from her family her entire life!   We have both discussed that we are glad we did not know what we were really in for! 

We have realized that God gives the amount of faith you need little by little to get where He wants us to be!  TOTAL faith in Him! 

The day she left, we were both like scared, cowardly baby birds that really had not tried to fly out of the nest yet!  She was thrown into a world of Independence and chaos and I was thrown into a world of loneliness, fear, and desperation for HER!  Somehow the same and yet so totally different!  We still required the same thing, 'Courageous Faith' in the only one who could supply our needs.  I could not look to ANYONE but God to keep her and sustain her, and she did not have me to protect her and direct her!  We BOTH had to call on the same Heavenly Father we know so well! 

Her time with Malaria was a time of faith growth for both of us.  The phone call that I received informing me of her illness, left me feeling more helpless than I had EVER felt in my life!  Even in childbirth, you have people around to help you even though you are the only one who can actually "birth" the baby!  All I wanted to do was stroke her hair, find a way to bring her fever down, lay my hands on her and pray.  Not possible!  She wanted to lay her head on my lap, ask me for a drink of water and for me to place another blanket on her shivering body.  Not possible!  So where do you go?!  The only place we had!  Once again, our Heavenly Father!  I cried out for HOURS for her healing!  For God to comfort her and somehow be for her what she wanted me to be for her.  To take away her fear and calm her anxious heart.  She, as best as she could, asked God to bring peace to her heart and be all that she needed.  She needed Him to be her strength while she was weak.  The next morning, she woke up out of her sick bed, and walked to villages and was for the most part, all better.  She lacked a little strength physically but within a day, that was fully back also!  God was MORE than I could have been for her and He was more than I could be for me! 

My fears slowly began to fade as I continued to walk this 'Courageous Faith' journey.  Each week, I worried less until all the sudden, I worried no more!  My daughter stepped out everyday not knowing if she would make it through the day!  The physical challenges alone, was somewhere she had never been before!  The safety issues, well...neither of us like to go there!  However, surrounded by strangers who could not understand her day in and day out, something inside of her rose up!  She became able to trust that although nobody around her could promise her total safety, her earthly father was no where to be found, but her Heavenly Father was EVERYWHERE!  We both continued to see that our only possible way to not only SURVIVE but THRIVE was found in the trust that our loving God would supply our EVERY need!

As we look back, it was almost 3 months ago that we met at the airport again after the 6 week journey.  The unity we talk about in "Courageous Faith" is simply amazing!  The testimony of God's faithfulness on both of our parts, puts us in awe!  We both began to understand what it truly means to have Jesus as our one and only!  He put us BOTH in a place where He was all we had!  Now, we both find ourselves in sadness sometimes, because we see that "comforts" of this culture can make us less dependant on Him.  We are looking to Him to take us to a deeper place and to realize that He IS all we need ALL the time!  As we lose our home in 5 short weeks, and really no plan as of yet, where we will lay our heads, we are reminded once again, that He is all we have!  I am so glad that He chose to bring us through our Journey to Africa so we could little by little, day by day, and week by week, see His faithfulness!  Now, although our lives our going to drastically change, He has supplied us with that "Courageous Faith" that we will need to carry on! 

Thriving NOT striving!  Only one way that is possible!  "Courageous Faith" in our all knowing God!

Thoughts on everything...

I am SO ready for winter

We have gotten a taste of it

The kids played in snow yesterday

Well, really they got to scoot their hands across the hood of our car and got it on their mittens

That was a BIG tease

Christmas is my favorite time of the year

I don't like how everyone bypasses Thanksgiving

I am thankful for friends

The older I get, the more I see just how special it is to have other's call you 'friend'

I hope when my daughters are adults, they will consider me their best friend and confidant

That is what my mom is for me

I love to share things with her

She always understands and encourages me

My baby is WAY to mobile

She is crawling AND pulling herself up!

I guess she knows she better get up and moving to keep up with her brothers

I have gotten used to drinking coffee in the evening

I have a friend who has Island Coconut coffee


I know jealousy is a bad thing but I AM jealous! :)

It is one of those fancy coffee makers that I would love to have someday!

Not really a chance of that when your house is in foreclosure and your husband has no job!

I am still happy I can make Snicker-doodle coffee that I got for my birthday, in my old fashioned coffee maker


About a year ago, mine was broke and I did not have one

I have decided to stay home at least 3 days a week without going ANYWHERE

I just get more done that way

I am learning to say "no" more to things outside the home

My husband has been finding work

It has been God's blessing

We are learning to live more and more by faith with EVERYTHING

It is not easy and predictable

That is how I like things

God is showing me that it is more "fun" to live His way

My kids are learning His provision first hand

My little boy is praying for a new pair of tennis shoes

I can't wait to see how God gives them to him

"We have not because we ask not"

He has asked and His faith is SO strong

He asks me everyday if this is the day he will get his shoes from God

I tell him he will receive them when God knows he needs them

It is hard to pack not knowing where you will be living

God knows, so I will just keep moving forward

I think we get to be in our home through the holidays

I am thankful for that!

My baby keeps waking up at night

Not sure why

As my grandma used to say...

"This too shall pass!"

I am reminded that someday, all that we are going through, will pass also

I pray I learn all that God wants me to learn through this

If we do not have trials, then that means we are living a complacent life

I am thankful for this trial because that means God sees it worth while to try me

Are you going through something in your life that God is wanting to use for His glory?

Take advantage of it!

To you, it might seem like a set-BACK

God can use it as a set-UP to show you more of Himself!

Brokenness

It is no secret, I have been through a journey the past year!  If you have read my blog long, or have not, just go back and look at my previous posts.  The journey feels long some days.  I am so very thankful for the chastening of the Lord, however!  It is through these times, that my need for Him can be revealed. 

 Before this journey, I never thought of myself as a proud person.  I know humans in general, struggle with it, but I did not think it was a HUGE issue with me.  Well, just as everything else in my life that I THINK I don't have an issue with, God is so faithful (Although I am not that eager at the time!) to reveal the things I DO need to work on.  Even just a little of something we struggle with, if not dealt with, can become a real battle at some point.  This past few weeks, He has shown me my pride issues and allowed me to see that I need to be broken before others and Christ if He is to fulfill His plan in my life.

I read a book. Actually three!  I STRONGLY recommend them!  Through these books, God changed my life!   You can buy them as a trilogy now.  You can buy it HERE.  It is 'Surrender', 'Brokenness', and 'Holiness'.  They are written by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.   In the book, 'Brokenness', She listed several things for the reader to show the difference of a broken person and a proud person.  I would LOVE to list all of them, but there were many, so I am going to share a few that really convicted me:

• PROUD PEOPLE FOCUS ON THE FAILURES OF OTHERS AND CAN READILY POINT OUT THOSE FAULTS ~ Broken people are more conscious of their own spiritual need than of anyone else's.
• PROUD PEOPLE HAVE TO PROVE THEY ARE RIGHT-THEY HAVE TO GET THE LAST WORD ~ Broken people are willing to yeild the right to be right.
• PROUD PEOPLE ARE SELF-PROTECTIVE OF THEIR TIME, THEIR RIGHTS, AND THEIR REPUTATION. ~ Broken people are self-denying and self-sacrificing.
• PROUD PEOPLE CRAVE SELF-ADVANCEMENT ~ Broken people desire to promote others.
• PROUD PEOPLE ARE ELATED BY PRAISE AND DEFLATED BY CRITISCISM ~ Broken people know that any praise of their accomplishments belongs to the Lord and that criticism can help them grow into spiritual maturity.
• PROUD PEOPLE ARE QUICK TO BLAME OTHERS ~ Broken people accept personal responsibility and can acknowledge where they were wrong in a situation. 
• PROUD PEOPLE ARE REMORSEFUL OVER THEIR SIN-SORRY THAT THEY GOT CAUGHT OR FOUND OUT ~ Broken prople are truly repentant over their sin, and the evidence of their repentance is that they forsake the sin.
• PROUD PEOPLE COMPARE THEMSELVES WITH OTHERS AND FEEL WORTHY OF RESPECT ~ Broken people compare themselves with the holiness of God and feel a desperate need for His mercy.

Anything hit home?  WAY to many for me!  As I read the list in the book, I almost did not go to the next one because there was so much conviction.  Through that however, God began to reveal to me my need for brokenness.  So, my next question to God was, "Father, how do I get from where I am now, to where YOU desire me to be?"  His answer was that I need HIM!  I also needed to look back and ask the Holy Spirit to guide me by confessing my weaknesses to others from my past and also asking for others to forgive me.  OH BOY!  That is not easy!  Yeah, fine and easy to teach it to my kids, but now I AM supposed to do it?!  UGH!  James 4:10 says ~ Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up"  God desires to see a willing heart that is hungry for His ways.  His ways are contrary to our flesh.  When we do FINALLY give in to pride and decide to take the road of humility, God begins to work.  It is maybe the most important thing to being a Christian.  Ask yourself, "Am I a BROKEN christian?" 

I really never thought about how broken I was.  Since God has shown me my pride, I have learned to walk daily in humbleness.  Now, trust me, it is not easy and I battle it many times!  I LOVE to be right!  Just ask any of my family members!  I can now, give in to a debate and either just be quiet or admit the other person is right!  (That IS God!)  Try being broken before others and watch what God does!  Psalm 51:17 ~ My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, you, God, will not despise.   I DO NOT want my Heavenly Father to despise me!  I desire His blessing, His love and I long to see His heart! 

If you desire to seek Him more and move closer to His heart, become a broken christian!  It's a step that will lead to total humility!  Proverbs 11:2 ~  When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.  God's wisdom will lead you bless you in ways you cannot believe!  You will begin to look to others and what you can do for them unstead of what everyone needs to do for you!  There is such freedom in that! 

Will you walk in pride or humblesness?

Character Training~ Part 2

I was at the mall this weekend and because of my pregnancy starting to slow me down a touch when it comes to walking around, I sat while my girls were off looking at clothes.  In about 30 minutes I observed WAY more then I cared to watching parents with their children.  No wonder I get the comments I do about having so many children and why people think one or two is enough!  I would not want to go home with children who act like that either!  I by NO means claim to be a perfect parent and my children misbehave and corrections must be made.  However, I have rarely had problems in public places because the training begins at home.  Please DO NOT attemt to make changes for the first time when out in a public place!  It will not be productive and will more than likely backfire only making the problem worse and causing more of a scene.  If you see a problem while out and about, take note and get a plan of action and implement it in your own home first. 

With that being said, one of the first things I observed this past weekend was the parents inability to follow through with their own "threats".  A mother was dealing with a screaming 3-4 year old, and told him if he did not stop, she would take away his ice-cream.  He continued to scream.  So she took the ice-cream away.  Great!  Well, not really!  She gave it right back.  Minutes later, he began to act up again.  She threatened once again to take away the ice-cream this time she stated she would just throw it away.  He continued to throw a fit.  This went on for at least 5 times.  She never did through it away.  She kept giving it back to him and he continued with his disruptive behavior.  They walked away with him screaming with the ice-cream in his hand.  Both of them at their wits end.  DO NOT make a threat you are not willing to immediately follow through with.  If you say you are going to do it, DO IT!  It will not take more than 1 or 2 times for your child to realize you mean business!  Please do your child a favor and never use counting as a means to obedience!  Demand instant obedience every time!  Believe me, if you use the #3, they will wait until the #3 to obey.  That is not the goal!  If a child is in a dangerous situation, you are not going to count to 3 before they have to listen.  You will want instant obedience.  Always require it. 

In a nutshell:

• Don't make threats in anger or in the heat of the moment
• Follow through even if you regret the consequence, learn from it
• Never count when requiring obedience, demand it the first time
• Don't implement something for the first time out in public. 

Our children have missed out on many things because of consequences of misbehavior.  It is so hard to follow through but believe me, it will pay off!  We went to a friend's house when my oldest was young and he did not follow through on a responsibility he had to do before we left.  So I told him he had to sit the entire time at their house and could not get up and play because he did not do what he was told.  We got there, and I looked over at him sitting watching all the other kids playing.  I was literally in tears wanting to go back on my word and give another consequence when we got home. I had wished I would have given not quite so harsh a punishment.  I was talking to my friend and telling her how hard it was!  She in all of her wisdom, said to me, "It has eternal value!  Don't look at the here and now, think of it as training for eternity!"  That made an impact on me I have NEVER forgotten!   I talked with him about it when we got home, prayed with him and gave him a big hug!  The next time we went somewhere, he knew he better get his stuff done and he did!  But boy was it hard at the time!  Hopefully later in life, when his wife asks him to do something he will realize it is important to her and he will follow through.  The same goes for the direction of his heavenly Father.  It seems extreme, but that is what character training is all about.  Doing it while they are young, so when they are old, they will not depart from it!

This parenting thing is SO hard sometimes!  They start out as clean slates and the minute they are are laid in our arms the training begins!  It starts with sleep training and feedings and takes off from there.  The flesh is a terrible thing!  They don't need to be taught to give into it!  It is up to us to allow God to show and direct us in the way we should train them to not give into the flesh.  He does not expect us to know it all!  Our dependancy must be on Him and He must be our example!  We will make mistakes and that is okay!  We will lose our temper, our patience will be tested daily, and we will not do things perfectly everytime.  But He will give us wisdom and understanding if we ask.  Our children crave discipline and boundries from us from the time they are babies until they leave our home.   It is up to us, to seek direction and follow through. Keep praying and obeying and He will see you through!

It will just be a little pain...

Yesterday I talked about being REAL, well after I posted that, I got hit with a REAL life kind of issue. Let me explain.

About a month ago, my 7 year old came to me and said, "Mom there is something on my head and it won't stop bleeding." Worried it might be a tick, I tried to get a good look at it but it was bleeding too much. So after about literally 45 minutes to an hour later after it finally quit bleeding, I got a good look at it. Knowing anything on the head that bleeds will bleed more than any other place on the body, and looking at the small little dot, I was not to alarmed. I just figured he got scatched and it broke open and it would heal soon. Well, I kept checking on it weekly and it was just not getting better. In fact, this week I thought I noticed it may be getting a little bigger. I decided I better not take any chances and call his doctor. Confident I was going to be embarrassed and the doctor was going to tell me it was a mole or something harmless that maybe had been there and just never noticed before.

The doctor then begins to tell me that he wants to make an appointment with a dermetologist to get it "excised" (I think that is the word) and then wants him to send it to pathology for a biopsy. Not quite what I expected. So now I get to practice what I just preached to my friend last Friday when she found out her husband has cancer. To take one moment at a time and not to think to far ahead until there is more information. Yeah, easy to say to someone else, not so easy to live it!

Please pray for us! I really am at peace! Somehow, at this moment, I am feeling I can totally leave it in God's hands. That is where I am supposed to leave it! The next moment, hopefully I will feel the same. I will try not to go on emotions but faith and what I do know! That God is God and He is good and He knows and created my little boy! He is holding Him up with His right hand and will never leave us or forsake us! In that, I find my comfort!

I will try to look at it through his little eyes when he looked up at me after I explained it in simple terms about the removal of the spot on his head, "Mom, it will only be a little pain, I will be okay!" AAHHH the faith of a child!