Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Weariness and fear, OH MY!

I feel like this pregnancy is the longest I have ever been through.  The last 6 weeks are ALWAYS miserable for me, but this has been not only a strain physically, but mentally also!  That may be why I am choosing to blog about it so often.  But it does help to get it out and one of the ways I do that is by writing. 

So if you care not to read about it, I understand!  Just click on the little 'x' in the corner of your screen and move on! :)  If you want to read an update, here it is:

I have been on insulin for my gestational diabetes for 5 days now.  It is a journey I did not want to take! I have never had to deal with this any other pregnancy.  I wanted to be strong like that again!  The day before I started giving myself shots, I cried, LOTS!  My sister was a diabetic and I remember a few times seeing her lay on the floor because her sugar either went to high or to low and she would pass out. Always an emergency situation!  I was terrified that would happen to me!  I kept going over in my mind my options.  If I took the insulin and something happened to my baby, I would NEVER forgive myself.  However, if I decided not to take it out of fear, and something happened to her, I would NEVER forgive myself either.  It was a no win situation!  Either way, I knew that it was out of my hands.  I just kept seeing my blood sugar readings continuing to increase and it had nothing to do with my diet.  I was following my diet and eating NO sugary foods, (my daughter even made cinnamon rolls last Saturday morning, and I sat with my granola cereal!)  It really has not been all that difficult because I don't like sweets when I am pregnant anyway!  So diet was not helping and I could see that.  The placenta later in pregnancy, decreases the mother's ability to process insulin.  In most cases, a mother's body can make-up for it and there are no problem's but in women who have gestational diabetes, like me, our bodies can't do it for ourselves without some intervention.  Understanding all of that, I decided it was best to take insulin shots.  A VERY small amount 4 times a day.  Well, I have already gotten used to poking my finger 4 times a day so now I have to poke my thigh 4 times a day also.  It actually is no big deal.  The doctor did increase my insulin dosage yesterday because my levels were still to high.  This morning, my readings are perfect so we are hoping that we finally have it under control.  I have non-stress tests weekly and ultra-sounds every other week to check baby size.  She seems to be in the 70th percentile range right now.  Bigger than the average but bearable!

Now, onto the spiritual side of all this.  I was in church Sunday and just quietly worshipping and focusing on God.  The tears began to flow and a cleansing began to take place.  As most of you know, I am a worrier.  God has really been helping me in this area but I have really had to battle that fear again with this gestational diabetes thing.  I have been paranoid and at times let it consume me!  I knew it and allowed God to take over Sunday morning again. ( I'm a little slow with that sometimes!)  Then the neatest thing happened.  As I was sitting there with tears flowing down my cheeks, cleansing my spirit, a little boy began to sing the song.  It was so beautiful!  The tears rolled down faster as He began to move in my heart because of that little boy singing.  God gently whispered to my spirit, "That sweet baby girl is in my hands just as you are!"  I had to be reminded that all the fear I was feeling was not His plan!  He had to remind me that He knows her and me and He placed her inside of me and is watching over her.  Boy did I need that!  I felt like a huge burden had been lifted all because of Jesus cleansing touch!

So, for the next 4-5 weeks, I am going to allow my heavenly Father to increase His strength in my spirit, as my flesh feels weaker and weaker.  I do want to hold this baby in my arms and I can't wait until that day.  When it is time, she will be!  I am so thankful I am not in this alone and I get this chance to help Him grow another little miracle!  What a joy and privilege!

I am praying for God to let me know when she is better off outside of my womb then inside, by putting my body into labor.  When that time comes, I will know and I am at peace with that!  I would appreciate your prayers also! 

There, I feel better! :)



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