The verse that comes to mind the past couple of days, "His strength is made perfect when I am weak..." There is also a song that states that verse and then it says, "All that I cling to, I lay at His feet..." Well, this week was a week of clinging. Clinging to things that I wanted. My dreams, insights, my ways and my thoughts. My thoughts, dreams, insights and ways were not necessarily wrong. Wanting a new life in my womb and our home is not wrong...HOWEVER, when I am not willing to lay the things down that I want, then it becomes something that I cling to and the ONLY thing I should be clinging to is my Savior no matter what. I wanted that sweet little life inside of me to be in my arms someday and I don't know why Jesus choose to take him/her home before that happened but I do know that the past 48 hours has been an amazing journey for me. I have never been in a place of complete, perfect strength. I know it is nothing I have done! I know that if it were only me, I would be in a much different place emotionally, spiritually and physically! I have the peace that passes ALL understanding and I am truly amazed at how Jesus has come to me so perfectly.
When I released MY plan to His perfect plan, it all began to unfold. I usually like my way and I think I know LOTS more than I really do! I remember asking God Monday night why He thought I was this strong. How could He think I could take anymore? How much more did He really think I was capable of? Well, His answer to me was that I am not strong and I could not do it and I was NOT capable of doing this without Him!
Yesterday I woke up in total perfection! I am not exaggerating! Even physically! My 15 year old daughter met me in the kitchen and was just sure I was going to be a mess in every way. She stated that she could not believe how strong I seemed. I had no explanation but God! We took the boys on a picnic, went on the bike trail, played catch, and watched their oldest brother do some fishing. It was an AMAZING day with constant reminders of how good I have it and how blessed I truly am. I was not sad, I knew my sweet baby was in the arms of Jesus and I was there too! What more could I want! Today, the peace has continued and I am awestruck at the abundance we can live in IF we allow God to be God! I can't say it was by my choice that all of this happened. It was probably one of the hardest times in my life! Monday night my choice would have been to have a perfect little heartbeat beating in that perfect little tiny body inside of my womb, but it did not happen MY way! God's way was to teach me a lesson on letting go through the pain and to remember that HIS strength is perfect. I called on Him and He has been there. He has never left me nor forsaken me! I am at rest in His arms!
Thank you for your prayers! I know that is what has been my saving grace! God has heard you and He has answered in so many ways! This is a beautiful journey and I can't wait to continue with HIS plan whatever that may be!