I sit here tonight amazed at the road I have been on! I cannot believe where I have come from! If you have known me or read my blog for very long, you know that I have battled fear. The kind that cripples. The kind that influenced most of my decisions in my life. Sadly to say, in a not so great way! From the time my head hits the pillow at night to the time I lift it up in the morning, fear always surrounded me. I have suffered many losses in my life in the past, maybe that is why. But for whatever reason, I lived in it. Worried of fires in the middle of night and that I would not be able to save my children, to my husband dying on the way to work! And ALL the in betweens! So for me to send my two oldest children to Africa was a miracle in itself! God started small. First it took faith to even think of them going. Then it took more faith to continue to watch them buy the tickets, to getting all of the rest of the money to go then sending them away on the plane in Chicago! I was really strong! Until...
...I said goodbye to them as they left me at the security gate at the airport! 2 kids who had never even been IN an airport to now flying by themselves half-way around the world! How do I give up control in that way? How do I rest in the reality that I cannot take care of them? How do I REALLY give it up and let God take care of them? Is it really possible! For days, not so much! I had the fear that did not allow me to sleep at nights. The fear that had me pull over in a parking lot to cry for a bit just because I had to let it out somehow! I really felt like sometimes, I was in a dream! A night-mare really! So, at some point I knew that I had to let go! They were thousands of miles and an ocean away so what really was it doing for me to fear? AHHH, maybe just maybe, this is the point God was trying to show me my entire life! Whether it is a fire I fear, my husband being killed in a car accident, or my children half a world away, I CANNOT control it anyway, so why do I even try! It hit me hard! Then I got it! I can trust God! Not that anything bad will never happen, but even if it does, I am in His hands! I obey and have faith and He takes care of the facts! A spiritual light bulb moment! It took this long for me to get to where He has wanted me to be for years! He is God and I am not! So I no longer need to fear! I have such peace! A faith and rest that I have never known before! I said to my mom today, "I feel like I have grown up!" I used to feel like a small child scared of the dark, everyday of my life! Now, I am walking in His light and feel like with Him, ALL things are possible because HE is in charge, not me!
I talked to my daughter today and they are doing so well! They have climbed a mountain, and gone horseback riding on the African terrain. They are studying the word of God like never before and feeding others His word because of it! They will be in the villages all week this week! No comforts! A tent, no electricity, plumbing, showers, or "normal" food! They are preaching and teaching 3 times a day to people who have no bibles because they do not have any in their language yet. People who are SO hungry for the word of God that they don't care about blessings or heaven! People who are just SO desperate to hear the words of God because they KNOW that it casts out all fear and if they can just hear it, they find comfort! My daughter said that the holy spirit is SO thick in the villages because there are no hindrances! No clocks, TV's, meal-times, toys, malls or ANYTHING that gets in the way! Villagers who are so HUNGRY to hear the word of God that they sit for as long as they can at my children's feet just to get a taste of JESUS! My children have given up all their comforts to tell other's of Him, and God in His grace, has allowed me to "give up" my children so they can reach those who need Him! No glory in it for us, just proof of how God works in you if you allow Him to! Obedience is not easy, but ALWAYS worth it!
I am for the first time in my life, free of fear! If I can send my most valued thing on earth, to Africa and leave them in God's hands, I know I can leave EVERYTHING in God's hands! Even my husband driving to work in the mornings! (Now if he would just get a job!) Oh yeah, I can EVEN leave that in His hands and no longer worry about that either! What freedom there is when we choose obedience over our ways!
My children's journey to Africa is almost half-way through now and this week, I will have very little contact with them, if any. So I may catch up a bit on the other things that have happened around our home! Stay with me and stay tuned! Oh and remember, do not fear anything! God has His hand over every one of our situations He is in charge! Rest in that!